Toxic Monogamy

What is toxic monogamy?

I think “toxic monogamy” is a rather new and relatively undefined term. A Google search only really leads to one Tumblr post which has been circulating recently, and this is how I was introduced to the concept in the first place. As I attempt to introduce the term “toxic monogamy,” I would first liken it to the term “toxic masculinity.” Toxic masculinity is a better known concept defined as “the socially-constructed attitudes that describe masculine gender roles.” So, similarly, I would call toxic monogamy the socially-constructed attitudes that describe traditional monogamous relationships. The beliefs that make up both toxic masculinity and toxic monogamy are widely accepted, widely unquestioned, and have arguably negative consequences for those whose lives operate within these belief systems.

What toxic monogamy is NOT

Toxic monogamy is not the same as gender roles or gender stereotypes. The belief that within a relationship the woman is supposed to cook, clean, and raise the children while the man works and pay bills is based on societal gender roles. These carry with them their own set of negative consequences- but it’s important to note that they are separate issues and not within the definition of toxic monogamy.

Breaking down the Tumblr post

I apologize to the author of this post that I am unable to sort out exactly which Tumblr handle or author to credit. I’m sure it’s not too difficult to find, but I’m not much of a Tumblr-er so I am admittedly inept at obtaining this information. If anyone knows this or can find it, please feel free to comment below so I can add it in.


The normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love.

Absolutely. When I read this, lyrics from the popular Nick Jonas song “Jealous” immediately come to mind. “It’s my right to get jealous.” I don’t know, something about the assertion in those lyrics is really off-putting to me. Wouldn’t you rather feel secure enough in yourself and in your relationship that you don’t ever need to feel jealous? Calling it your “right” means that not only do you expect to be jealous, but also, you’re demanding complete acceptance of your jealousy. This kind of perspective doesn’t leave room for the possibility that jealousy can be inappropriate or misguided. It means that you’re not likely to work on your own insecurities, or reach out to your partner to work towards mutual trust. That’s not a healthy philosophy.

Now, let’s be clear- we’re all imperfect, fallible human beings. Having perfect security in yourself and in your partner at all times is not easy. Jealousy is arguably a natural reaction. But the other interesting thing about jealousy in a relationship is what creates it. It stems from the idea that the person you’re with is “yours”. No others are allowed to have certain types of relationships with them. I recently saw a quote I liked on this matter:

“There is another kind of possessiveness. You do not possess any other human being, no matter how closely related that other may be. No husband owns his wife; no wife owns her husband; no parents own their children. When we think we possess people there is a tendency to run their lives for them, and out of this develop extremely inharmonious situations. Only when we realize that we do not possess them, that they must live in accordance with their own inner motivations, do we stop trying to run their lives for them, and then we discover that we are able to live in harmony with them. Anything that you strive to hold captive will hold you captive – and if you desire freedom you must give freedom.” -Peace Pilgrim

This quote rings true in every way. You’ll never be able to force a person to stay “yours” in any way, and you’ll never have the right to make them stick to any agreement they’ve made to do so. Individuals can change, and their ideas and feelings can change. Now, I’m not advocating against monogamy by saying that- but I would like to point out that the love of a person probably isn’t worth having if it isn’t given by them freely- even if it once was. So jealousy, in my opinion, holds very little place in the kind of partnership most of us truly desire.

The idea that sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities.

I don’t know about this one. I’m not entirely sure what the author means by all of this. What are “practical incompatibilities” and what is considered “sufficiently intense love”? I’m unsure what kind of incompatibility could exist that two people with “sufficient” love couldn’t work to overcome or work to accept about each other. At first, I thought sexuality might be one (for example, a gay person being part of a heterosexual couple). But then, I wouldn’t personally define that type of relationship as having a “sufficiently intense love” in the first place. I give this one a stamp of disapproval, pending any further information or other compelling arguments.

The idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate, or they’re too needy.

This is a big one. It echoes the notion that a relationship is meant to complete you, and therefore satisfy you in a way that no other accomplishment or achievement ever could. If your partner doesn’t “completely satisfy” you, you might end up thinking that they’re an inadequate partner. Or perhaps, a less satisfying relationship will make you feel “unworthy” or “incapable of receiving” the type of deep fulfillment that you think you’re supposed to get out of a loving relationship. These are all untrue and lead to all sorts of expectations that neither of you will ever be capable of living up to.

The idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else.

Humans are incapable of voluntarily “shutting off” attraction, and no amount of love can shut it off either. Attraction exists like appreciation for music exists. Your music selection is made up of personal likes and dislikes, developed over time, which influence the music you are drawn to. No one can come in and tell you to stop liking a genre or a band that you like. It simply won’t work.

This belief, similar to many others we’ve highlighted, is inevitably going to make you believe that your partner doesn’t love you enough and/or you don’t love your partner enough, because you will both fail at changing this.

The idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity.

I agree that this mentality is incorrect, because there are many types of committed relationships which are just as valid, and just as serious, and just as loving. So adding this expectation about monogamy does add to its “toxicity” as a belief system.

The idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship.

I agree that this is toxic also. A couple can stay together for their whole lives and never marry each other. Does that mean they love each other less than those who do get married? No, the choice against marriage or against having children does not necessarily indicate that their love or commitment is less than any other couple’s love and commitment.

The idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibilities to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on.

I’m beginning to see that while writing this list, the author started defining WAYS that a monogamous relationship could be toxic, rather than discussing monogamy itself and the toxic societal belief systems that surround it. I look forward to being able to further break this down as we continue.

The idea that your value to your partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is a zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life.

This is definitely a toxic situation. People often get jealous of their partner’s hobbies and friends. A lot of people expect that a relationship should take up most of their time and energy if they “really loved each other.” This is not necessarily true. It is also not necessarily true that relationships must be the main “goal” that a person needs to seek in their life. Suppose they find their career more fulfilling than their marriage? Does that mean their marriage is a bad one, or they don’t love their spouse enough? No, it doesn’t. You can be completely in love with someone but not let it rule your identity. I would even venture to say that it shouldn’t ever rule your identity.

The idea that being of value to your partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself.

I don’t think the problem lies in that people think their value to their partner should make up how valuable they feel as a person. But I do think they often end up feeling that way or are made to feel that way. (Although, perhaps I’m arguing the semantics of this sentence, and the author was getting at the same idea.) I definitely think this issue qualifies as systemic, because not only are we taught to value monogamous relationships and to strive to be in one, but we are also taught that our partners’ satisfaction is now our personal priority and responsibility. This can certainly make you feel like you’re failing when your partner cannot find contentment with their own life or circumstances. It’s harmful because true happiness is only possible within a person, and your partner is ultimately the only person capable of finding this for themselves. Similarly, your partner is incapable of providing true happiness for you, and it is not a failure on their part when you cannot do so.

Thinking about Monogamy

Backing it way up, we need to talk about where monogamy comes from. The theories differ a bit, but most of them state that the male animal stays with the female they mated with in order to ensure the survival of their offspring, and/or to make a claim on the female for reproductive purposes. Humans are not so easily explained, though we still share many of our animalistic instincts- like men’s desire to spread their seed, and women’s desires for a provider who also sticks around.

But that’s not all of the story. Ancient people were primarily polyamorous.

An article from Psychology Today says that “most ancestral men aspired to polygyny (even though most weren’t impressive enough to attract more than one wife), and some ancestral women preferred to be the co-wife of a really impressive man than the sole wife of a second-rate one. In other words, the genetically encoded psychological machinery of human mating behavior was built by, and for, a world in which striving for polygyny was often reproductively advantageous. That’s why people living in modern societies often seem inclined towards polygyny, even in cultures that have attempted to abolish it.”

The article goes on to explain that monogamy is a relatively new revelation, and possibly began as a way for societies to grow larger in the interest of military advantage. Men seek wives, so when a few “top dogs” have many wives, there are quite a few men left out, who then leave the group in search of their own wives. Limiting the amount of wives one man could have meant more men stayed, which was advantageous not necessarily for reproduction, but to have soldiers available. This is how laws came to be put in place about marriage.

So monogamy isn’t a natural state for any of us. But working in an office building for 40 hours a week isn’t a natural state for any of us either. Society progresses in ways to keep it functioning. What’s historically “natural” isn’t the main picture per se.

The importance of pointing out the evolution of monogamy is to realize that our ideas of monogamy are very socially-based, and therefore, so are the rules that come with it. As it currently exists, most of us not only expect to have a partner, but we expect everyone of a certain age to have a partner, to reproduce, and to be romantically and sexually exclusive with that partner. We consider these as synonymous with monogamy- and synonymous with normal social behavior- because that’s how things have always been presented to us.

Do YOU even want this?

The trap that a lot of people fall into is the belief that humankind is at the height of technology and knowledge. Hear me out on this: while it’s true that today, in 2017, we are more advanced and informed than ever before, we must recognize that humankind will soon look back on this time as more primitive than we believe it is- just as we do when thinking about decades and centuries past. Therefore, the assumption we are doing everything right is not only arrogant, but incredibly ignorant. The truth is, how we conduct our relationships with each other is primarily based on social norms, and we should note that social norms are among the least scientific, least informed driving points of our daily decisions… And that’s because they’re the ones we think about the least.

Imagine you were born in a different time, and into a different culture, where the rules were not the same. Would you still desire this? Would you still see it the way you do now? Likely you would not. It’s important to realize that your values are made up in the context of the influences around you. Once you start to see it this way, you free up your mind from the rules that don’t make sense, and choose the ones that fit your preferences.

It’s actually toxic

When we look around at each other through this lense, it becomes clear that we’re actually hurting ourselves, and each other, by perpetuating and acting upon some of these belief systems. I’ll let Louis CK (please forgive the bad timing for including him in this) add a little humor for us:


Being Pretty In A Patriarchy

I remember being very young and being told how pretty I was in my new dress or with my hair tied up in a bow. People say this to little girls. “Oh, how pretty you are!” I suppose it’s a nice thing to say. At least, the intent is well meaning. Little children know when you are giving them praise, even before they understand the meaning behind what you say. Their faces light up and you can see how proud they are when they hear you speak to them in this manner.


Little Sarah, age four

It’s interesting to me that from the very beginning, my gender role was being played out with these attitudes from the world around me. People don’t tell little boys they’re pretty. I’m sure a lot of people would think it silly. They call boys “handsome” or “strong” but not “pretty.”

“Pretty” is for girls.

Being complimented this way taught me that being pretty was a good thing. After all, compliments are for pointing out positive attributes. I know that seems like a silly statement, but my point is, being pretty was one of the first things I learned about my worth to the world around me. It gets pretty heavy when you think about it that way.

Delving into it a bit farther, this is in part evolutionary for us as humans. In the animal kingdom, an attractive animal benefits in finding a potential mate. The more “attractive” to their counterparts, the more desireable this animal becomes to all potential mates. When looking at it from this aspect, humankind doesn’t appear to have strayed too far from our prehistoric predecessors. We are cognizant beings who are still, in large part, controlled by animalistic instincts rather than our intellect.


Sexualizing women in advertisements

Our society doesn’t help much on that front, either. In a consumerist society, everybody wants to sell us something. They need it to be catching, and make us want to buy whatever they’re offering. It’s a simple fact that sex sells. But as a whole, marketing that utilizes this sexuality is pummeling us with subliminal messages from a young age (whether that’s the intent or not) which doesn’t simply utilize our animal instincts to sell us things: it manifests them.

Before We Go Any Further..

Remember this gross article for Cosmopolitan where the author bragged about how hot she thought she was, and pretended to complain about it? That’s not my intent here. So I am going to disclaimer this, ad nauseam, to avoid sounding like this has anything to do with bragging.


Personally, think I’m a fairly cute girl. I think it’s okay for me to admit that. Like the rest of us, I know I wouldn’t be everybody’s cup of tea. There’s that old saying, “you could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there will always be somebody who hates peaches.” So I get that. I guess my point is-  I don’t have an inflated ego like the girl who wrote that article did.

I also have spent most of my time in makeup and clothes that, in my opinion, help me look prettier. A secret about that? I don’t know if I’m that pretty just in sweats at home, because I don’t get that publicly affirmed for me. So I don’t know how much of this is just genetic, or my own personal sweat, blood, and tears. Talk about self esteem… yikes. (My boyfriend tells me I look great either way, like all good boyfriends are supposed to.)

I do know that people do tell me I’m pretty. Not everyone in every second, but it’s enough to feel like I can explain what being “pretty in a patriarchy” has been like for me, and not get eaten alive by the internet for it. (I’m crossing my fingers on that one.)

Striving For Beauty

So not only was I taught that my looks were important- I was shown growing up that being pretty was a legitimate aspiration. I played with Barbies, and loved watching Disney movies with princesses. All thin, young, and beautiful with perfect hair and makeup. I didn’t need to be taught what made a woman pretty. I saw it and accepted it unquestioningly.

I also grew up in a pretty typical, traditional family. It was an environment where comments were made about women- especially fatter women- which taught me that this was certainly not desirable. It’s funny noticing, now that I’m older, that these comments were never made about men. Who can complain about this? This is how the media is, too. It’s just a representation of the society we’re in. That attitude is not abnormal by any means. Though, highly problematic, as it were.


There’s me at age nine, in the red dress

I remember being eight years old and writing in a journal about what I would ask for if I was granted “three wishes.” Do you know what my number one wish was? To grow up to be beautiful. This was my ultimate wish for myself as a human being. I don’t even remember what my other wishes were.

I remember being scared of growing up and being fat. I didn’t know what kind of adult I’d be, and I was afraid that once I got older, I wouldn’t care about my weight anymore. I already heard womanly gossip about girlfriends who’d “let themselves go.” My childhood didn’t revolve around my weight since I was already a very skinny kid, but it was a concept that I was aware of. This helped manifest itself as an eating disorder in my teen years.


High school- senior prom. I was a bottle-blonde for years until I discovered people didn’t treat me like such an idiot as a brunette

Another thing that happened in my teen years? I discovered a lot of things about developing. Wearing makeup, high heels, and attractive clothing. For a second time in my life, I got positive attention for my appearance. I was validated by the world around me that I was attractive. It felt great, because this is what I was striving for.

If you’re familiar with any of my past posts, you will have seen that I wasn’t aware of the implications of these charges. I knew I could get boys’ attention (which I did want) but I didn’t know that wearing a crop top or a push up bra made them think about sex to the extent that they did. How could I know that? I didn’t know that it sent a message about my availability. I grew up watching women dress this way on tv and people on the shows reacted positively towards these women. If those sexual implications were there on all the shows I’d seen, I certainly hadn’t been aware of it yet.

But the strangest thing happened. Along with validation from males, I was heavily judged by adults and my parents, who knew these implications. They reprimanded my clothing choices (without explaining any of it) and treated me like it represented my character, or my morality. Which it certainly did not. I’ll be honest and say that these experiences still anger me, to some extent. I don’t think it was fair. But it was a precursor to the lesson I would learn: that when you’re pretty, your appearance is all most people pay attention to.

Judgements By Women


Modeling for a comic con (photo credit Tom Nguyen ( This is me in a sexualized ad, too!

If you haven’t reached this conclusion by now, I’ll explain to you that one clear premise of this article is that in our society, we are taught that beautiful women are superior to other women. I definitely don’t think it’s true, but it’s a belief that fuels women’s strife towards attractiveness. We want to be the one all the other girls want to be.

But the media affects women’s attitudes towards each other, too. Have you noticed that all the mean girls in cliques on tv are beautiful? And the main character, Susie Every Girl, isn’t as pretty, but she has a winning personality that shines through. “You can’t have both,” they seem to say.

Years back, I was at a bar once with a guy friend, and we were laughing and joking all night with a group who was sitting next to us. “Not to be an asshole or anything,” one of the girls later came over and said to me, “but you’re like, way too pretty to be this nice.” I laughed. It seemed as though she meant this to be a compliment.

I have had many girl friends and for all the negative experiences, there are positive ones, too. But my friendships have never been spurred by looks. I have, however, had a few friendships that formed in spite of it. Because to some people, it really matters.


Mostly though (on the occasions when my appearance matters in the exchange at all) women have judged me more than men have. Actually, let’s put it this way- their judgements on me have been harsher and more hurtful. I think that when we, as humans, feel inferior to someone, it seems like a natural instinct to want to tear the other person down in some way. (Usually we just do this in our own heads. “She may be smart but she’s not as funny as me.” That sort of thing.) It makes you feel less bad about yourself, because it uses the belief that you have a strength where they have a weakness- so you’re not inferior anymore. Name calling and judgemental attitudes are the main weapon women like to use against the pretty girls. At least in my experience. And they love to whisper to each other when you do, say, or wear anything that isn’t perfect.

I spent a lot of my younger years being extra smiley and extra friendly in an effort to overcompensate for this treatment. I didn’t blame other women for their perspectives. I just wanted them to feel comfortable with me. I noticed that often any displayal of confidence or intelligence seemed to make other girls less comfortable. Because that seemed to make me “less likeable” I did not open this part of myself up to the world for many years. It affected my self esteem in the way that I had many friends and peers who saw me as a dumb, albeit nice, but nothing special otherwise. I have since ceased worrying about this and while I do make less friends, but I feel better about myself as a person.


We, as females, all live in this oppressive world with each other. We’re on the same team, in my opinion. I was subject to the same insecurities and the same judgements as anyone else. The fact that I wear heels and you wear sneakers doesn’t mean I’m a bitch, or a ditz, or the enemy.

For that matter, pretty girls need to stop acting superior, too. You’re just acting out the stereotype that people have already pegged you with. No matter the cards you’ve been dealt in life, being unkind diminishes each and every one of your positive attributes, as far as I’m concerned.

Judgements By Men

Most men I’ve spoken to about this concept agree- they think women want to be beautiful for them. Whether they think it’s simply for sex or to land a husband, or whatever the end goal may be, that’s when the answers will start to vary. But one thing remains true- they think all the heels, the clothes, the makeup is to be attractive to men.

You can’t blame them for this, when you think back to the “animal instincts” part of the argument. Yes, it’s true, being pretty does help a girl find a guy. You also can’t blame them when you think back to our society. Movies, shows, and advertisements show beautiful, coquettish woman who are all about sex.


Something I’ve been trying desperately to convey to guys I speak to about this is that it’s so much bigger than that. You think I spend 40 minutes getting ready before I go out just to be a treat for your dick? If you think that’s true, then you’ve been spending your life watching too much tv- and frankly- you don’t really know that much about women.

I was walking through Target one day in high school and two teenage boys walked by. “Too much makeup for me,” said one to the other. I wanted to turn around and say, “Don’t flatter yourself. I’m out of your league with or without the makeup,” but then… there’s that ego I told you I didn’t have.

I am so tired of hearing that men prefer the “natural look” I could pull my hair out. In that respect, I honestly don’t care what you prefer. I feel beautiful, and powerful, and fierce as hell with some good makeup. That’s my goal. I achieved my goal with my red lipstick. Middle finger in the air.

The thing is, most of us can get guys with or without the makeup. Don’t think we’re confused about that. You men are not all as picky as you pretend to me. Additionally, for any of the comments I’ve heard, I have never been turned down for wearing too much makeup yet. Not once in my entire life. And I am a girl who loves her makeup.


Just adding this one because it was vixen-ish?

On top of that, I’ll let you in on something I’ve noticed in my life. Men view me a little more as a girl-next-door type without the makeup. But I’m viewed as more of a vixen when I wear it. And it doesn’t matter if I’m at a club or a grocery store- it never fails- men of all ages are extra friendly and helpful to the vixen.

Who Am I?

My quest for beauty and confidence in this world has really mixed me up about myself. This is my real, number one purpose for writing this post. To explain that for all beautiful women get glamorized, and idolized, and worshipped, I am worse off for it. Worse off as a human being.

I tell you truly that we are all victims of society, and I am part of that. Not because I’m judged. No, it’s much more unfortunate than even judgement and bullying.


True happiness. That’s me on the bottom of the dog pile. I think this better shows who I am instead of just how I look.

I want to be really honest and acknowledge openly that even today, beauty is my number one aspiration. Isn’t that so fucked? As a feminist, I enjoy feeling beautiful, so I allow myself to feel empowered by my choices. On the other hand, I know that it’s superficial and oppressive, and I wish I could wake up one day and decide that being pretty no longer matters to me. But it’s so deeply ingrained, I’m not sure this is something I even know how to fight within myself. My internal beliefs about myself have mostly solidified in my 27 years of life.

The bleak, grave truth of it all is that all beauty fades. We all age. Of all the attributes that all of us possess, this is the only one thing that you cannot keep. Do you know what that means for a pretty girl in a patriarchy?

I won’t know who I am or what I’m worth when it all leaves me.

I Went Gluten-Free For One Whole Year, And This Is What Happened


Like many people, I am interested in my health. This is particularly true when it comes to my nutrition, because that is a special interest of mine. So naturally, with the trending topic of gluten and its affects on our bodies, I was on board. I read Wheat Belly by Dr William Davis and The Beauty Detox by Kimberly Snyder (of whom I’d already been a long-time fan, and whose beliefs about gluten reinforced this decision for me).

A few facts about this. Gluten is a protein that is incredibly difficult for your body to digest. This is true whether you’re celiac, intolerant, or if you eat pasta twice a day. Doesn’t matter- the fact is, it’s harder on your system than some other food elements are. This part of the argument, no one denies. That’s actually what makes it inflammatory for your digestive system. To what degree it is inflammatory, and when that becomes a concern, is up for debate. Wheat is also one of the most pesticide-heavy crops that are out there. See “The Real Reason For Toxic Wheat (It’s Not Gluten).” (Some people believe this to be the real reason why people are so sensitive to it.)

It was difficult to go from my normal meals to gluten-free at first. There’s actually a LOT of gluten in the foods that we eat on a day-to-day basis. So the first step was to stock up on a lot of gluten-free alternatives in the form of chips, crackers, pizzas, and the like.


The first thing I noticed was a lack of bloating. I was so impressed by my flat stomach in the first three days that I was really convinced I’d found the miracle cure. Alas, like all miracles, after the first few days the normal flux of food-babies returned. I’m still curious whether this was related to cutting out gluten or not, as I had not been doing anything else differently at the time, nor was I eating any less than usual (or so I felt).

During these first few days I was also accompanied with a headache. It wasn’t massive and it wasn’t anything an aspirin or two couldn’t take care of, but it was constant and lasted a few solid days. According to Wheat Belly, this is a bit of a hangover, because gluten has an opium-like effect on your brain. I won’t disagree with this fact, because it sure felt like it.

The months went by and it became second nature for me to know which food choices were permissible, and it wasn’t at all hard for me to stick to. I noticed, however, that I felt ravenously hungry quite often, and I was gaining weight. I have always stayed around the same size, so this was unusual, but for a person who has now recovered from an eating disorder, I decided not to let myself worry much about this part. Around the same time I went gluten-free I had started a new job that requires 8 hours of desk-sitting, and I felt it was entirely possible this was the main culprit anyway.


via @ chelseapearl /

Soon it became so easy for me to pick up a pack of these quick, gluten-free snacks that I wasn’t eating my salads or drinking my green smoothies nearly as much. This isn’t a rut that everyone falls into, of course, but for me, I felt no guilt doing so since I was sticking to the plan.

I was around 6-8 months in when I started looking into the importance of blood-sugar on your food cravings and food choices. It was then that I realized, my gluten-free crackers were less friend and more foe. I thought I was doing myself a great service in munching on rice crackers all day (not that I imagined they were “healthy” by any means), when in actuality, they were not as satiating and they just made me hungrier later. This would be 100% true of glutenous snacks as well- it is just important for me to point out that when going gluten-free, the processed junk is still processed junk, and you’re still not doing your body any good with this.

Once I came to this revelation, I cut out the gluten-free alternatives completely. My healthy choices and weight started to return to normal, and I felt pretty great. I could have carried on my entire life this way, were it not for the weekend I spent at my boyfriend’s father’s house. Understanding the importance of eating while drinking alcohol and not having any other options available, (poor planning on my part) I half-heartedly ate my fill of baguettes and artisan bread-sandwiches, already fearing what my body would do to me next.


Not being one for placebo effect, I like to be surprised by my body when I take supplements or try a new diet, so I brushed off the dilemma and carried on with my life that Monday, eating gluten-free as normal. To my surprise, the days went on and I started to think, “Wasn’t something supposed to have happened by now?” The fact was, nothing unusual happened at all.

From that point on, I trifled with gluten when I went out, or on dates with my boyfriend (a decision he was very happy about). Since then it has become apparent that there really is no difference; a fact that I am both pleased by, and also admittedly, slightly disappointed with.

In conclusion I do believe that gluten, in addition to ALL grains are somewhat irritating to the digestive system, so I think it would do a person good to do away with them altogether, rather than just going gluten-free. I would go so far as to say that people probably experience good results with a gluten-free diet simply because they are eating less grains in general. As you saw for me, it didn’t matter which grains I was eating- they were causing all sorts of cravings and weight gain. More on grain-free next time!

Basic Bitch- Bride Edition

Are you a basic bride?

1. You’ve written “I Said Yes!” on Facebook, or even better, it was part of your engagement photoshoot. Congratulations on your originality.


2. You have said something about being or feeling “like a princess.” Extra basic points if you wear anything that resembles a tiara.


3. You have posted “___ days until I marry my best friend!” on social media. (Are those posts required? How is it that EVERYONE must say this?)


4. You have a wedding board on Pinterest. Because, of course you do.


5. “I said yes to the dress!” is another super original post or quote of yours.


6. Prepping for your wedding includes weight loss goals.


7. You have said “I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together!” (As though somehow, that is not already happening.)


8. Your ring is a diamond, because you like being the same as everyone else, and mass marketing works on you.


Psst, here’s a video for you about that btw:

Why Engagement Rings Are A Scam

Why Girls Should Strip “Future Husband” From Their Vocabulary


Using this term has always seemed bizarre to me. As others have put it, it’s a little like subscribing to bridal magazines in high school, simply because you want to get married someday. You’re kind of counting your eggs before they hatch.

I know it’s probably a comforting thought to think about the fact that you’ll have a “future husband” someday, but maybe you should think about why that is so comforting in the first place. Are you worried about ending up alone? Do you have a desire to be loved? Do you look forward to having a family? You’re using your own insecurities and desires to manifest a romanticized idea of a person and a non-existent relationship with them. All of these expectations which, if you do get into a serious relationship at some point, will get shoved on to a real human being. That’s not really okay, or healthy.

What about his expectations and desires?

What about his expectations and desires?

For one thing, relationships aren’t one sided. How can you fantasize about someone you don’t even know? You can’t. You’re fantasizing about what you want and you hope for. That’s pretty selfish, actually, unless you’re also fantasizing about compromising on what to watch on Netflix when you don’t want to, or getting along with bitchy relatives you don’t like, or the same stupid argument you two always have, and about all those little habits that are going to drive you crazy. You won’t feel fulfilled all the time, and in fact, you’ll feel lonely, too. Is that part of your fairy tale? Because that’s part of having a relationship.

Imaginary expectations for an imaginary relationship

Imaginary expectations for an imaginary relationship

Girls often think about a “future husband” instead of a “true love” because they think it’s the same thing. With the divorce and infidelity rates all around us, you’d think they would know better. Here’s the truth about husbands: they aren’t better dads than boyfriends. They aren’t more committed than boyfriends. They aren’t more faithful than boyfriends. They aren’t more in love with you than boyfriends. In fact, the boyfriend who turns into your husband is the exact same guy. Literally everything about him stays the same.

…But you don’t dream about your future boyfriend. Why not?

That’s the other half of the problem. If you aren’t going to be satisfied with a relationship because there is never going to be a ring on it, you’re not interested in love. You’re interested in a relationship status.

The term

The term “Future Husband” is usually used while a demand is being made

When I was a pre-teen I tried to write a letter to my “future husband” and thought about how romantic he would think it was that I spent so much time “thinking about him” and “dreaming about him”. In retrospect, that’s not very romantic at all. It’s actually kind of weird. A poem or letter for someone you love is personalized and romantic because all those beautiful thoughts and words are inspired by them. If you give them a letter you wrote from before you knew them, it’s none of those things.

Pretending to love someone you haven't met or fallen in love with isn't cute.

Pretending to love someone you haven’t met or fallen in love with isn’t cute.

I think the main reason I dislike the term “future husband” is that it’s slightly delusional. Like I already said, you can’t be sending love to someone you don’t know and don’t love. This concept is a fake relationship with an imaginary friend, very similar to how lonely children need to have imaginary friends. How many girls with boyfriends think about their “future husband”? None, because they all want to end up with their boyfriends. So instead of their “future husband” being an imaginary person, these girls like to think they already know him, and he has a name. Of course, that’s not always any more realistic, but hey, at least it’s not a fake person.

Girls everywhere, you’re worth so much more than wasting your time dreaming about a relationship status. Being with someone isn’t what makes you worth something. A ring on your finger won’t make you happy. Stop the imaginary stuff and hope to develop a real love, without all the expectations.

Society Really Fucks Girls Up. I’m Just Saying.


I wrote this on Facebook today and I realized it was kind of important. I especially think it is important from a parenting standpoint because it was my parents who were the harshest critics of my clothing choices. Especially my dad, who perceives the world from a standard male-in-a-patriarchal-society kind of way. I actually think he still doesn’t realize that women don’t see the world as overtly sexual as men do. He thought I knew exactly what dressing like that meant, which is why he probably thought it was perfectly acceptable to be angry with me.

I’m not sure whether my mom felt the response was acceptable or not, but I do know that she didn’t want anyone judging her parenting or our home by my “inappropriate” clothing. This sent me the message that what other people thought was more important than the truth. An equally damaging concept.



I have a body. It’s just a body, just like yours. It has many parts, with many functions. They are not sexual, unless I choose for them to be. You being able to see them does not make this choice. It does not indicate my sexual decisions of past, present, or future. You being able to see them means you can see that I have a body. It’s just a body, just like yours.