Tag Archives: Dating

Basic Bitch- Bride Edition

Are you a basic bride?

1. You’ve written “I Said Yes!” on Facebook, or even better, it was part of your engagement photoshoot. Congratulations on your originality.

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2. You have said something about being or feeling “like a princess.” Extra basic points if you wear anything that resembles a tiara.

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3. You have posted “___ days until I marry my best friend!” on social media. (Are those posts required? How is it that EVERYONE must say this?)

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4. You have a wedding board on Pinterest. Because, of course you do.

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5. “I said yes to the dress!” is another super original post or quote of yours.

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6. Prepping for your wedding includes weight loss goals.

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7. You have said “I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together!” (As though somehow, that is not already happening.)

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8. Your ring is a diamond, because you like being the same as everyone else, and mass marketing works on you.

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Psst, here’s a video for you about that btw:

Why Engagement Rings Are A Scam


Why Girls Should Strip “Future Husband” From Their Vocabulary

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Using this term has always seemed bizarre to me. As others have put it, it’s a little like subscribing to bridal magazines in high school, simply because you want to get married someday. You’re kind of counting your eggs before they hatch.

I know it’s probably a comforting thought to think about the fact that you’ll have a “future husband” someday, but maybe you should think about why that is so comforting in the first place. Are you worried about ending up alone? Do you have a desire to be loved? Do you look forward to having a family? You’re using your own insecurities and desires to manifest a romanticized idea of a person and a non-existent relationship with them. All of these expectations which, if you do get into a serious relationship at some point, will get shoved on to a real human being. That’s not really okay, or healthy.

What about his expectations and desires?

What about his expectations and desires?

For one thing, relationships aren’t one sided. How can you fantasize about someone you don’t even know? You can’t. You’re fantasizing about what you want and you hope for. That’s pretty selfish, actually, unless you’re also fantasizing about compromising on what to watch on Netflix when you don’t want to, or getting along with bitchy relatives you don’t like, or the same stupid argument you two always have, and about all those little habits that are going to drive you crazy. You won’t feel fulfilled all the time, and in fact, you’ll feel lonely, too. Is that part of your fairy tale? Because that’s part of having a relationship.

Imaginary expectations for an imaginary relationship

Imaginary expectations for an imaginary relationship

Girls often think about a “future husband” instead of a “true love” because they think it’s the same thing. With the divorce and infidelity rates all around us, you’d think they would know better. Here’s the truth about husbands: they aren’t better dads than boyfriends. They aren’t more committed than boyfriends. They aren’t more faithful than boyfriends. They aren’t more in love with you than boyfriends. In fact, the boyfriend who turns into your husband is the exact same guy. Literally everything about him stays the same.

…But you don’t dream about your future boyfriend. Why not?

That’s the other half of the problem. If you aren’t going to be satisfied with a relationship because there is never going to be a ring on it, you’re not interested in love. You’re interested in a relationship status.

The term

The term “Future Husband” is usually used while a demand is being made

When I was a pre-teen I tried to write a letter to my “future husband” and thought about how romantic he would think it was that I spent so much time “thinking about him” and “dreaming about him”. In retrospect, that’s not very romantic at all. It’s actually kind of weird. A poem or letter for someone you love is personalized and romantic because all those beautiful thoughts and words are inspired by them. If you give them a letter you wrote from before you knew them, it’s none of those things.

Pretending to love someone you haven't met or fallen in love with isn't cute.

Pretending to love someone you haven’t met or fallen in love with isn’t cute.

I think the main reason I dislike the term “future husband” is that it’s slightly delusional. Like I already said, you can’t be sending love to someone you don’t know and don’t love. This concept is a fake relationship with an imaginary friend, very similar to how lonely children need to have imaginary friends. How many girls with boyfriends think about their “future husband”? None, because they all want to end up with their boyfriends. So instead of their “future husband” being an imaginary person, these girls like to think they already know him, and he has a name. Of course, that’s not always any more realistic, but hey, at least it’s not a fake person.

Girls everywhere, you’re worth so much more than wasting your time dreaming about a relationship status. Being with someone isn’t what makes you worth something. A ring on your finger won’t make you happy. Stop the imaginary stuff and hope to develop a real love, without all the expectations.

Dear Daughter

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FORWARD: To my daughter, and the daughters of the world, and to people everywhere, who have forgotten this important message. We live in a world with Pinterest wedding boards and romantic comedies, How I Met Your Mother “wife quests” and songs like Meghan Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband”. I’m getting sick of the idea that we’re all waiting around for a partner to come along and make us feel significant. I’m sick of parents who think their daughters should be “treated like a princess” and tell them to accept nothing less from a suitor. (Ditto for sons). This gives them a selfish view of love, and an unrealistic ideal about what a relationship is. To me, this is very wrong. They will either feel inadequate because of their partner’s inability to give them perfect love, or they will feel that their partner is inadequate. Both are incorrect! I’m not going to teach you, baby girl, that you need love from someone else to feel special or to be worth something. You already ARE. So I’m going to teach you how to make others feel this way. 

If you’re ready for love, it’s not because you’re ready for someone to come into your life to make you feel special. It’s because you have ceased to need such a person, and instead, you are ready to be such a person to someone else. Love is not what you get, it’s what you give. Because love, by its very definition, is not about you.

If you’re ready for love, you’re ready to accept a flawed person into your life. You’re ready to face a broken, insecure human being who might never feel adequate, and you’re ready to be there so you can always remind them that they are.

If you’re ready for love, you’re ready to be let down. You’re ready to accept the imperfect love of an imperfect human being, who cannot perfectly love you, even if they completely love you. And you’ll understand that difference, because you’ll imperfectly love them too… and you’ll always remember that, before you start pointing your finger.

If you’re ready for love, it’s because you realize that we grow up in a world which does nothing but judge a person. It’s because you realize that underneath those judgments is a beautiful soul waiting to be seen, and you are ready to see that beauty, embrace it, and nurture it- the way life has not. Because there are no flaws. And you know that.

If you’re ready for love, it’s when you are no longer looking for it, or waiting for it. It’s when you realize you’ve got it. When all you have left to do is give it. Then you’re ready for love.

Fall Reading List

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I haven’t done this before, but I’m always reading good articles and blog posts and I felt it was time to recommend a few. My favorite articles are always the ones which make the reader take a step back and consider them for a while. I am always looking for enlightenment, so to speak. The following, in my opinion, offer just that.

Why Courtship Is Fundamentally Flawed  This is a good read for anyone, but especially conservatives and parents. Very interesting and fresh perspective on dating that I haven’t heard before.

Why Women Aren’t Crazy  “A remark intended to shut you down like, ‘Calm down, you’re overreacting,’ after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple. And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged.”

This article deals with the misconceptions about women in our society, especially by men, and the (relatively unknown) topic of gaslighting.

Why Yoga Pants Are Incredibly Dangerous For Today’s Youth  This is my favorite post to date which touches on the subject of modesty, women’s bodies, and dress codes.

Why Wheat Is Ruining Your Life  The author of “Wheat Belly” explains in an interview so much about health and food in the most intelligent way, ever.

The White Problem  “I don’t think I was born white. I think white children are manufactured.” WOW to this whole article. Wow.

“Not Again” by Arundhati Roy  Found this writing per Peer Landa, CCRMA at Stanford University. I have no way to describe the brilliance of her words.

And some videos- How Frozen Should Have Ended (just for fun), What Guys Look For In Girls, We Are Legion- The Story Of The Hacktivists (Documentary)

Nice Guys Finish Last Because… (From A Woman’s Perspective)

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Nice Guys Finish Last. You know the phrase. I might be coming way out of left field here, but I hate this saying, and I think it’s bullshit. I honestly believe that guys who relate to this phrase use it as a shield for what’s really the problem.

I’m sure you’ve also heard the saying that girls like bad boys. I’m not going to defame that one, because some girls do- but I can tell you that I have never heard of a girl who loves a “bad boy” yet doesn’t also still wish for flowers and champagne to come home to. One who thinks that cuddling on the couch and love letters wouldn’t compliment his biker attitude and tattoos quite nicely.

Nice guys are wonderful. Nice guys are what we want. Some of us don’t need you to be nice to anyone but us (and maybe our mom), but you still need to be nice. Ladies might like “bad boys”, but ladies don’t like “mean boys”. Never heard that one, have you?

The problem is that guys who like to think they finish “last” because they’re nice need to realize: it’s not because you’re nice that she’s not into you. When you have chemistry with a girl, she’ll be into you and you’ll be into her. The niceness is just an added bonus for the lucky lady who’s actually into you. You do not “woo” women with niceness. You woo them with you.

I’ll say it again: if she’s already into you, your kind and romantic gestures will absolutely, positively help her fall for you. If she’s not into you bro, your kind and romantic gestures will just be creepy. If she doesn’t tell you that to your face, she’s passive aggressive, using you, or just plain doesn’t want to (or doesn’t know how to) hurt your feelings.

The key here is, if you’re the guy who feels like you do all the right things and never gets the girl, you’re probably jumping too soon on the romance, or you’re just altogether mis-reading the signs. How do you know she’s into you? Do you know? She could like you, she could like to talk to you, and spend time with you often, but how do you know that’s not just friendly? Nice Guy Who Finishes Last, you need to start making sure that it’s more than just friendship. Without pushing too hard for too much too soon. Coming on too strong is just as bad as not at all. There’s a happy medium, and you need help finding it!

A recent quote I found made me laugh, because I think this woman sums the idea up well:

“Women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out. She’s not into you, get over it.”  -Marat Sverdlov

True Story Number One: My friend Jim* wrote me on Facebook once and asked me for advice. He said something like this:

  • Jim: Well, I’ve been feeling really down lately and it has to do with someone I think I am in love with, or know I am in love with; I try so hard with her.

  • Sarah: And why are you down?

  • Jim: Well, I try so hard with her and she sort of treats me like a friend, but we don’t really seem like it. I try to get her to understand how I feel, I want her to like me too, but it’s so hard and constantly bringing me down. I’m not sure I could let her go. What do you think, keep at it or let it go? When you love someone don’t you fight for that person at all costs?

  • Sarah: Well, you do- if that love is returned.

    You know what they say: if you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, it is truly yours to keep. Does she have the same feelings back for you? Have you asked her?

  • Jim: I don’t know and even if she didn’t, there is always hope and prayer, I gave her flowers Monday for a present-

    2 roses.

  • Sarah: That’s very nice of you.

  • Jim: Well I am nice, I just wish she could see it. I am slowly working my way up.

What was Jim’s mistake? That last quote there: “I’m working my way up.” That’s not how relationships work. Jim is possibly coming on too strong, and/or mis-reading signs because he thinks he can just keep being romantic, and that will eventually get her to like him- Jim thought that the more Kindness Coins he put into this girl, the more he was working his way up to her being interested. But we know that it doesn’t work that way. He should never be that romantic with a girl who might not see him as more than a friend. That will have the opposite effect. Remember what I said? It will seem creepy. Her feelings for him will start to become negative feelings instead of positive ones.

Some nice guys are okay at the woo-ing part and not great at the getting-her-to-stay part. I’ve seen this as well. Once she’s agreed to go on a few dates with you, or even be your girlfriend, doesn’t mean she’s totally hooked. That’s called a wife. Someone who wants to be with you forever. This is not your wife, this is a girl who likes you so far. Now, your girlfriend might legitimately want to be with you forever, but just being your girlfriend doesn’t make it so. And that’s a very important distinction for you to make.

True Story Number Two: My friend Aaron* had been seeing a girl for a couple weeks when she went on vacation for Spring Break. They weren’t very serious, and had a good time together, and Aaron was really into her. He wanted to do something special for her homecoming, which was a sweet thought. He knew her roommates, so he was able to get into their house and fix a broken sink in the bathroom nearest her room. Cool idea- everyone was happy about that. He then filled her room with hundreds of balloons, baked her a cake, and spelled out “I missed you” in M&Ms on it. Within a couple days, she told him that this gesture was a bit too much for her and that relationship ended.

What was Aaron’s mistake? She liked him, but not that much. Aaron should have taken it slow for two reasons: 1) because if she liked him enough to become his girlfriend someday, he needed to give her time and space to grow those feelings for him, and 2) the Kindness Coins can expedite the process slightly when she’s already into you, but the more into you she is, the bigger the check you can afford to write. Aaron took a loan out from the bank for these Kindness Coins, hoping that she’d go for it. She didn’t.

True Story Number Three: My friend Kyle* was having a conversation with me on Facebook about how he loved his girlfriend sooo much, and he couldn’t wait to tell her, and he wanted the moment to be perfect. It had only been a month. After he said it, she was honest (some aren’t) and said that she wasn’t quite at that point yet. Their relationship ended soon afterwards. Here was his defense in why he felt he needed to tell her his feelings:

Kyle: It’s an emotion. When I bottle my emotions they come out in other ways… for example, when talking with her on the phone before I said good bye, I would say I love you without knowing it… that happened twice, and I was like, ‘what? I never said that’.

I honestly had no idea what I said, but other people heard me say it too. I was like wtf

Sarah: Well it’s probably better as a mistake at this point

Kyle: Why

Sarah: Because that way, she won’t get weirded out

Kyle: Well then she should have seen that coming

Sarah: Not necessarily, because what you’ve said so far doesn’t mean she’ll also expect you to jump the gun

Kyle: No I like worked up to it, I didn’t just say it, Sarah

Sarah: But it didnt work the way you wanted it to…

because even if she saw it coming she wasn’t ready for it

or else she would have said it back, right?

Kyle: That is not true, sometimes people do not feel the same way

Sarah: That’s exactly my point. And you should wait for her to. Otherwise telling her could really freak her out Kyle

Kyle: Well that is not me and if that is what makes someone break up with me… they should not be with me to begin with.

Seriously… that is who and what I am. If they are not open to what they feel and think, then they should not be with me. I don’t live in regret. Fuck ’em then.

This is different altogether. This girl liked Kyle enough to be in a relationship with him. But she wasn’t ready to tell him that she loved him. Love is a serious word, and a serious feeling. There are different strains of love, as seen in the image below:

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And Kyle was right, that sometimes people don’t feel the same thing. It is possible that Kyle had some feelings of infatuation, passion, or a certain level of commitment. But his girlfriend, after one month, didn’t have enough of any of these things to constitute those feeling of “love” for him that Kyle felt he had for her.

It’s possible that Kyle’s girlfriend defined love as the center of that triangle there: Consummate Love, with intimacy, passion, and commitment. If that was the case, throwing it out there too soon might have made Kyle’s girlfriend wonder if he was taking that word seriously, and if he really meant it in the way that she defined it as. It could have been seen as careless, or perhaps, desperate.

It’s also possible that she assumed he did mean it in that way, and that seemed a little bit too much for her to take. How could he be so intimate, so passionate, so committed, on his end, without her reciprocating? That was maybe a little bit too much for her to handle, and she wanted to take a step back.

Regardless of the reasons, Kyle believed that writing a big check, much like Aaron did, was going to increase the intimacy in his relationship, and it backfired. I know it’s getting redundant at this point, but I will stress once more that if Kyle’s girlfriend had been at the same place as he was at, this could have worked. The common problems that Jim, Aaron, and Kyle had are that none of them bothered to check if the girl was at the same point as them.

The key to being a nice guy in a relationship is 1) knowing whether or not your girl reciprocates the feelings you have for her at whatever stage you are at in your relationship, and 2) knowing what romantic gestures will appropriately reflect the feelings you two share.

If you know that your girl likes you, take those steps to show her you care. If you are now in a relationship, go ahead and nurture that further. Just not too far! Eventually, this will allow a healthy, flourishing relationship that might be able to last. A relationship takes two people, and both of those people need to share a common end goal. As long as that’s true, your niceness will get you exactly where you need to be.

*Names have been changed for privacy