Monthly Archives: March 2013

Nice Guys Finish Last Because… (From A Woman’s Perspective)


Nice Guys Finish Last. You know the phrase. I might be coming way out of left field here, but I hate this saying, and I think it’s bullshit. I honestly believe that guys who relate to this phrase use it as a shield for what’s really the problem.

I’m sure you’ve also heard the saying that girls like bad boys. I’m not going to defame that one, because some girls do- but I can tell you that I have never heard of a girl who loves a “bad boy” yet doesn’t also still wish for flowers and champagne to come home to. One who thinks that cuddling on the couch and love letters wouldn’t compliment his biker attitude and tattoos quite nicely.

Nice guys are wonderful. Nice guys are what we want. Some of us don’t need you to be nice to anyone but us (and maybe our mom), but you still need to be nice. Ladies might like “bad boys”, but ladies don’t like “mean boys”. Never heard that one, have you?

The problem is that guys who like to think they finish “last” because they’re nice need to realize: it’s not because you’re nice that she’s not into you. When you have chemistry with a girl, she’ll be into you and you’ll be into her. The niceness is just an added bonus for the lucky lady who’s actually into you. You do not “woo” women with niceness. You woo them with you.

I’ll say it again: if she’s already into you, your kind and romantic gestures will absolutely, positively help her fall for you. If she’s not into you bro, your kind and romantic gestures will just be creepy. If she doesn’t tell you that to your face, she’s passive aggressive, using you, or just plain doesn’t want to (or doesn’t know how to) hurt your feelings.

The key here is, if you’re the guy who feels like you do all the right things and never gets the girl, you’re probably jumping too soon on the romance, or you’re just altogether mis-reading the signs. How do you know she’s into you? Do you know? She could like you, she could like to talk to you, and spend time with you often, but how do you know that’s not just friendly? Nice Guy Who Finishes Last, you need to start making sure that it’s more than just friendship. Without pushing too hard for too much too soon. Coming on too strong is just as bad as not at all. There’s a happy medium, and you need help finding it!

A recent quote I found made me laugh, because I think this woman sums the idea up well:

“Women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out. She’s not into you, get over it.”  -Marat Sverdlov

True Story Number One: My friend Jim* wrote me on Facebook once and asked me for advice. He said something like this:

  • Jim: Well, I’ve been feeling really down lately and it has to do with someone I think I am in love with, or know I am in love with; I try so hard with her.

  • Sarah: And why are you down?

  • Jim: Well, I try so hard with her and she sort of treats me like a friend, but we don’t really seem like it. I try to get her to understand how I feel, I want her to like me too, but it’s so hard and constantly bringing me down. I’m not sure I could let her go. What do you think, keep at it or let it go? When you love someone don’t you fight for that person at all costs?

  • Sarah: Well, you do- if that love is returned.

    You know what they say: if you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, it is truly yours to keep. Does she have the same feelings back for you? Have you asked her?

  • Jim: I don’t know and even if she didn’t, there is always hope and prayer, I gave her flowers Monday for a present-

    2 roses.

  • Sarah: That’s very nice of you.

  • Jim: Well I am nice, I just wish she could see it. I am slowly working my way up.

What was Jim’s mistake? That last quote there: “I’m working my way up.” That’s not how relationships work. Jim is possibly coming on too strong, and/or mis-reading signs because he thinks he can just keep being romantic, and that will eventually get her to like him- Jim thought that the more Kindness Coins he put into this girl, the more he was working his way up to her being interested. But we know that it doesn’t work that way. He should never be that romantic with a girl who might not see him as more than a friend. That will have the opposite effect. Remember what I said? It will seem creepy. Her feelings for him will start to become negative feelings instead of positive ones.

Some nice guys are okay at the woo-ing part and not great at the getting-her-to-stay part. I’ve seen this as well. Once she’s agreed to go on a few dates with you, or even be your girlfriend, doesn’t mean she’s totally hooked. That’s called a wife. Someone who wants to be with you forever. This is not your wife, this is a girl who likes you so far. Now, your girlfriend might legitimately want to be with you forever, but just being your girlfriend doesn’t make it so. And that’s a very important distinction for you to make.

True Story Number Two: My friend Aaron* had been seeing a girl for a couple weeks when she went on vacation for Spring Break. They weren’t very serious, and had a good time together, and Aaron was really into her. He wanted to do something special for her homecoming, which was a sweet thought. He knew her roommates, so he was able to get into their house and fix a broken sink in the bathroom nearest her room. Cool idea- everyone was happy about that. He then filled her room with hundreds of balloons, baked her a cake, and spelled out “I missed you” in M&Ms on it. Within a couple days, she told him that this gesture was a bit too much for her and that relationship ended.

What was Aaron’s mistake? She liked him, but not that much. Aaron should have taken it slow for two reasons: 1) because if she liked him enough to become his girlfriend someday, he needed to give her time and space to grow those feelings for him, and 2) the Kindness Coins can expedite the process slightly when she’s already into you, but the more into you she is, the bigger the check you can afford to write. Aaron took a loan out from the bank for these Kindness Coins, hoping that she’d go for it. She didn’t.

True Story Number Three: My friend Kyle* was having a conversation with me on Facebook about how he loved his girlfriend sooo much, and he couldn’t wait to tell her, and he wanted the moment to be perfect. It had only been a month. After he said it, she was honest (some aren’t) and said that she wasn’t quite at that point yet. Their relationship ended soon afterwards. Here was his defense in why he felt he needed to tell her his feelings:

Kyle: It’s an emotion. When I bottle my emotions they come out in other ways… for example, when talking with her on the phone before I said good bye, I would say I love you without knowing it… that happened twice, and I was like, ‘what? I never said that’.

I honestly had no idea what I said, but other people heard me say it too. I was like wtf

Sarah: Well it’s probably better as a mistake at this point

Kyle: Why

Sarah: Because that way, she won’t get weirded out

Kyle: Well then she should have seen that coming

Sarah: Not necessarily, because what you’ve said so far doesn’t mean she’ll also expect you to jump the gun

Kyle: No I like worked up to it, I didn’t just say it, Sarah

Sarah: But it didnt work the way you wanted it to…

because even if she saw it coming she wasn’t ready for it

or else she would have said it back, right?

Kyle: That is not true, sometimes people do not feel the same way

Sarah: That’s exactly my point. And you should wait for her to. Otherwise telling her could really freak her out Kyle

Kyle: Well that is not me and if that is what makes someone break up with me… they should not be with me to begin with.

Seriously… that is who and what I am. If they are not open to what they feel and think, then they should not be with me. I don’t live in regret. Fuck ’em then.

This is different altogether. This girl liked Kyle enough to be in a relationship with him. But she wasn’t ready to tell him that she loved him. Love is a serious word, and a serious feeling. There are different strains of love, as seen in the image below:


And Kyle was right, that sometimes people don’t feel the same thing. It is possible that Kyle had some feelings of infatuation, passion, or a certain level of commitment. But his girlfriend, after one month, didn’t have enough of any of these things to constitute those feeling of “love” for him that Kyle felt he had for her.

It’s possible that Kyle’s girlfriend defined love as the center of that triangle there: Consummate Love, with intimacy, passion, and commitment. If that was the case, throwing it out there too soon might have made Kyle’s girlfriend wonder if he was taking that word seriously, and if he really meant it in the way that she defined it as. It could have been seen as careless, or perhaps, desperate.

It’s also possible that she assumed he did mean it in that way, and that seemed a little bit too much for her to take. How could he be so intimate, so passionate, so committed, on his end, without her reciprocating? That was maybe a little bit too much for her to handle, and she wanted to take a step back.

Regardless of the reasons, Kyle believed that writing a big check, much like Aaron did, was going to increase the intimacy in his relationship, and it backfired. I know it’s getting redundant at this point, but I will stress once more that if Kyle’s girlfriend had been at the same place as he was at, this could have worked. The common problems that Jim, Aaron, and Kyle had are that none of them bothered to check if the girl was at the same point as them.

The key to being a nice guy in a relationship is 1) knowing whether or not your girl reciprocates the feelings you have for her at whatever stage you are at in your relationship, and 2) knowing what romantic gestures will appropriately reflect the feelings you two share.

If you know that your girl likes you, take those steps to show her you care. If you are now in a relationship, go ahead and nurture that further. Just not too far! Eventually, this will allow a healthy, flourishing relationship that might be able to last. A relationship takes two people, and both of those people need to share a common end goal. As long as that’s true, your niceness will get you exactly where you need to be.

*Names have been changed for privacy

An Introduction To Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Free Yourself Emotionally From A Bad Memory

Photo credit:

The name sounds kind of science-tech-y, and doesn’t give itself a very clear definition, but I assure you, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP, is a very simple concept that we all use and know. The simple fact of the matter is, most of us just don’t realize that we’re doing it- that’s all.

So, what is NLP? Wikipedia defines NLP as “an approach to communication, personal development, and psychotherapy created by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in California, USA in the 1970s. The title asserts a connection between the neurological processes (neuro), language (linguistic), and behavioral patterns learned through experience (programming) that proponents speculate can be changed to achieve specific goals in life.”
I know what you’re thinking. That didn’t help clear things up very much. So let me tell you how I define NLP in laymen’s terms. It’s the science that has taught us how to describe, and then manipulate, the thoughts (and emotions) that we would normally just have without realizing it.
For example, think back to a happy memory of yours. Recall it and try to remember what you can before you read on, so that you don’t think I’m manipulating the memory when you continue. Then think back to an unpleasant memory, and try to recall it as well, before moving on to my next paragraph.
You might be surprised to realize as I point it out to you that your happier memory will seem more vivid, colorful, and for some, even bright or sparkly. Similarly, you might notice that the opposite will be true of the unhappy memory. It will seem dull in comparison. If you are very emotionally attached to either of these memories, you might even notice that the emotional parts feel very “up close” and “zoomed in”, much like the camera would show in a movie. (That’s why they do that, by the way.)
What you just did was a little bit of NLP observation! You saw your thoughts and described them, in a way that you probably haven’t before. If you’ll stick with me, let’s manipulate some.
Think back to your bad memory again. I’m going to make a rather bold assumption that because this was labeled by you as a “bad” memory, that this one was fairly up close or zoomed in (or else you wouldn’t be emotionally attached to it enough to label it with such a strong and definitive term as “bad”). NLP has a number of ways for you to release yourself- immediately and without any therapy- emotionally from memories like these ones. These include replaying them in black and white, replaying them backwards, and replaying them zoomed way out, as if you were a bird in the sky looking down at yourself in this experience.
My favorite and most commonly used method is to zoom out. In memories where I am located in a building, I even pretend the roof is missing (like a in Sims game) and replay the situation like that. The key here is, you work with yourself and the way your brain recalls the memory. As soon as you are able to play it back in this new way, you will find it easy to manipulate it further adding the other methods (like now doing it in black and white and zoomed out). You don’t need to use more than one method- the key here is, once you have released your mind from the way it feels it needs to recall the memory, you are now free emotionally from that memory. I’m telling you: it’s that simple.
When I explain this concept to my family and friends, I am often met with the response that this is very cool, and they will definitely are willing to try it later. You see, “first timers” try to- for example- zoom out of their memory as I’m explaining it to them, and they realize it’s actually pretty difficult. It seems time consuming. Don’t worry, that’s what I thought at first too.
But it’s no more difficult than focusing on one of those little 3-D Stereograms on the back of the cereal box to find the hidden picture. You don’t see it at first, but focus… focus… a little more.. and suddenly, there it is! The dolphin! The star! The whatever! And then you see it every time you look at it. Same exact concept, same exact strenuous level.
I hope to convince you by the end of this blog post (now) that Neuro-Linguistic Programming is the coolest concept in the world, that it works, and that it’s easy. Please utilize this brilliance in your own life and understand the change and freedom it can bring you! No gimmicks, just your brain. That’s NLP.
**Apologies for the mishmash of paragraphs, WordPress isn’t posting this correctly for me!

Why Makeup Makes You Prettier

I wrote this blog post for an old blog of mine back in 2010, and felt the need to revive it back into circulation, after a recent conversation with my sister!

Gettysburg College Psychology Professor Richard Russell found that the what makes us perceive a face as “feminine” or “masculine” has a lot to to with the contrast of the face. Women, it seems, have a higher contrast between our eyes, lips, and surrounding skin than men do.

Photo from

Photo from

For example, regardless of race, female skin is known to be lighter than male skin. However, the eyes and lips aren’t lighter or darker in either gender… therefore making the woman’s lips and eyes to stand out more- having more contrast. A masculine face usually has lips and eyes that blend in more to the color of the face.

Professor Russell learned that faces can be “manipulated” to appear more female by increasing facial contrast, or more male by decreasing facial contrast.

‘Though people are not consciously aware of the sex difference in contrast, they unconsciously use contrast as a cue to tell what sex a face is,’ Russell said. ‘We also use the amount of contrast in a face to judge how masculine or feminine the face is, which is related to how attractive we think it is.’

Given this sex difference in contrast, Russell found a connection between the application of cosmetics and how it consistently increases facial contrast. Female faces wearing cosmetics have greater facial contrast than the same faces not wearing cosmetics. Russell noted that female facial beauty has been closely linked to sex differences, with femininity considered attractive. His results suggest that cosmetics may function in part by exaggerating a sexually dimorphic attribute to make the face appear more feminine and attractive.”

In the black and white photo above, you see two faces. The one on the left appears female, and the one one the right appears male. Looking closely though, you see that every feature is identical. Same eyes, same mouth, same nose. The only difference is the contrast of the features.

Using this knowledge, you can see that there are definitely correct and incorrect ways of using makeup to your advantage, ladies. (And gents!) Nude lips might seem like a more “natural” look, but too many women take it too far and go lighter than their natural shade. Pastel lips mask the natural contrast of your feminine features, and believe it or not, are actually viewed therefore as less attractive.


Photo from

Foundation should be a just a hint lighter (but not noticeably so!) than your face’s natural color, to cover up unwanted blemishes and even out the tone of your skin. This helps enhance the contrast we’re discussing. Blush and bronzer should be used only to contour, or else you’re losing your face’s natural contrast again. Eyeliner and mascara are always excellent additions, as they create a greater contrast in your eyes- unless they are colored, in which case, stick with the darker colors or use the fun colors as an accent only.

Makeup at a minimum always gives the illusion of natural beauty- but use those beauty products to your advantage. Enhance what you’ve got, and you’ll be the most attractive you possible!

Quotes excerpted from

The Real-Life “Hitch”… A Spiritual Revolutionary?


If you haven’t discovered it already, you need to check out Humans of New York.

The site came about when its creator, Brandon Stanton, decided to go around the city photographing the interesting people that he came across. Each face, each photo, tells its own story and shows the beauty and complexity that we as human beings possess. Scrolling through the page always leaves me in awe and wonder, with a true appreciation for people as a whole.

Brandon, over time, has also come across some of his favorite personal stories that a sentence or two just doesn’t sum up, and has created a “Stories” section on the site for just that purpose. They are inspiring, intellectual, and sometimes just plain funny.

One particular story that struck me was titled “The Dating Coach“. This story highlighted a man named John Keegan, who the New York Times had written about previously, calling their article “The Ladies Man“.

What struck me about this story was not that this man was described as charming or good with women. What struck me about this story was what Brandon discovered as he followed John around all day, watching how he operated.

The presence of such a fearless individual made me uncomfortably conscious of my own hesitations. But at the same time, it made those hesitations seem more surmountable than ever before. Seeing John plow through one intimidating social situation after another, these encounters suddenly did not seem so intimidating. If a girl was cold, or mean, John just bounced off her. Who cares? How could John feel rejected when he wasn’t looking for anything? He didn’t want a date. He just wanted to talk. Often a date came from these conversations, but it was never the aim of the conversation. When I first began taking street portraits, I was really affected by rejection. If I really wanted a portrait, and the person told me “No,” it could throw off my whole day. But I have over 2000 portraits now. No matter how awesome the portrait, it’s not going to significantly impact my body of work. So when I approach someone now, I’m not overly concerned with the result. I’m no longer outcome dependant. I really don’t care all that much if a person says “No.” And now, ironically, they almost always say “yes.”

Brilliant, isn’t it? This reminds me of the same ideas that are bouncing around in my own head lately, following my new-found interest in Quantum Physics. You can create your own fate. To me, John’s and Brandon’s stories are proof of just that.

Brandon said it: he’s no longer “outcome dependent”, and therefore gets more “yeses” than “nos”. I don’t believe this is a coincidence, and I bet you that John probably doesn’t either.

Brandon overcame this outcome dependency through experience. Repeated successes helped him to feel more confident in his subject’s answers- not simply because he didn’t need their “yes” as much as he used to, but because he literally felt, on the inside, that he was going to get a “yes” before even asking.

There’s a reason why they call it the Power of Positive Thinking!

We can go through repeated positive experience the way Brandon did, but we also don’t have to waste the time and energy to get the same result. That, my friends, is what they call Quantum Physics.

Meditation, positive affirmations, prayer, and simple positive energy or positive thinking are all effective ways for you to make use of this concept in your own life.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus said:

Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

And I’ll tell you what, I think it’s reasonable to believe that Jesus was discussing this very same idea.

This positive energy, this “faith”, is also what I believe Buddha liked to call Enlightenment. A state of constant Enlightenment is what he, and his followers, have always sought to achieve. Pretty tricky when we as human beings are wired to survive. And what I mean by that is, our brains look for danger first. Since we are cognitive beings, we not only apply this to our physical safety and well-being, but our mental safety and well-being as well. This means we focus on the negative and seek to neutralize it before we are ever able to relax and think of the positive. Remember how you were told as a kid that it takes ten positive comments to make up for a single negative comment? That’s why. And we’re stuck that way… unless we consciously make an effort to change that!

Now, my purpose here isn’t to be preachy about God, new age-y, or even advocate agnosticism, although you could all personally take any of these as your own interpretations to what I’m saying. What I’m saying is applicable for any person, in any walk of life, with any set of beliefs. My purpose is to open your eyes to the fate that you are creating for yourself. Because you ARE. And it’s not as good as it COULD BE!

A favorite recent quote I came across was in the documentary I just did a post about, by Dr. Joe Dispenza on this topic. He says:

So if we’re consciously designing our destiny, and if we’re consciously from a spiritual standpoint throwing in with the idea that our thoughts can affect our reality or affect our life — because reality equals life — then I have this little pact that I have when I create my day. I say, ‘I’m taking this time to create my day and I’m infecting the quantum field. Now if (it) is in fact the observer’s watching me the whole time that I’m doing this and there is a spiritual aspect to myself, then show me a sign today that you paid attention to any one of these things that I created, and bring them in a way that I won’t expect, so I’m as surprised at my ability to be able to experience these things. And make it so that I have no doubt that it’s come from you.

Since coming across these ideas, I have put into practice exactly what I’ve discussed today, and I can tell you from the very few experiences I’ve had, it most definitely works. Without any doubts in my mind. I urge you to look into these concepts in your own life and start changing your outcomes today!

Quantum Physics


Much, much more on this topic later, as it is my new obsession of late. In a few words, dip your toes in the water with this documentary. Highly recommended. The idea of “quantum physics” might sound heavy or too intellectual for some, but don’t let it deter you. This documentary (found on Netflix for those who have it) speaks in real life terms that is easy to understand. Start understanding, and practicing, the complexity of our universe (or God, or spirituality, for those it applies to.. yes, including you, Christians!) in your own life.

Thought Of The Day

I have come to find in my life that an intelligent person is not only skeptical of what everyone else says, but also skeptical of everything they themselves believe. It doesn’t take much to be critical of the world around you- but it takes great humility to look deeply inside yourself and question what and who you are objectively. Cognitive dissonance needs to be checked for thoroughly, and often!