You Suck At Facebook… (13 Things To NEVER Do On A Social-Networking Site)

Everybody has “that friend” on Facebook or Twitter, who updates statuses needlessly or generally just drives you nuts. Often times this leads to “unfriending” or “unfollowing”, but what if you found out you were “that friend”?

We’ve all had our fair share of faux pas, (even me- I’ve done a thing or two on this list in my lifetime) so let’s go through and talk about the worst of the worst.

Social Networking Don’ts (13 Things To NEVER Do On A Social-Networking Site)

1. Don’t air your dirty laundry.

dirtylaundry

If you didn’t want attention for it, you wouldn’t post it on a public profile. Having an idea or something to say is totally appropriate, but drama= needy.

2. Don’t post something ambiguous and then refuse to divulge. (Ex: “This sucks.” “Worst day ever.” “I never thought this would happen.”)

ambiguous

There is no point in writing something that no one understands, and there is less point if you won’t explain. It doesn’t make you seem brooding, complex, and emotional, it makes you seem (again) needy and attention-seeking.

3. Don’t gush over your relationship.

stfucouple

If it was really so great, you wouldn’t need public affirmation of how great it was. He made you dinner on Tuesday? Flowers on Thursday? You love him so much on Friday? You’re so lucky on Saturday? Who exactly are you trying to impress? Once in a while, we understand how awesome it might be, but there is a big difference between appreciating your SO, and overkill.

4. Don’t gush over your relationship WITH your significant other. 

STFUcouples4

If you’re constantly writing on each other’s walls or tweeting each other about how in love you are- we’re not convinced. I’ll say it again, if your relationship is legitimately great, you won’t need public affirmation. Your partner’s participation in the gushing-of-relationship is not any less showy or vapid. Phone’s broke? Don’t have an email? You can still private message them via social networking. The singular reason to publicly talk to your significant other is so that others will see it– and don’t think we don’t know that.

5. Don’t Picnik your photos with quotes.

picnik

Even in 2005 when it was actually “in”, it was only by flighty teenage girls who fancied themselves “artistic” by pasting whatever they felt was a funny, cute, interesting quote or song lyric onto their photos. Which is exactly what you will be stereotyped as if you do it, too. Colored typography and picture stickers are not exactly artistic.

6. Don’t use a profile picture that isn’t you.

prof pic

Ever notice how much more interested you are in your new friends’ profile pictures when they aren’t all cars, cartoons, and word-y quotes? How much more apt you are to check out your friends’ picture change when it pops up on your mini-feed, when it looks like he got a new haircut or she’s having fun with her friends? Don’t think the same doesn’t apply to you. Your friends love using Facebook to check you out just as much as you love using Facebook to check them all out. They really don’t want to check out half a dozen photos of just your kids. If they did, they’d look for an album with your kids in it. Cartoons, random photography, and quotes are all boring. Profile pictures are for you to display.. well, you. So besides the allure of it, try not to forget that it’s also their main intended function.
(And guys- if your profile pictures are full of your car and not your face, we ladies realize that that’s because the car is the better looking one.)

7. Don’t duckface. 

duckface

Everyone knows by now. But you’re still doing it. Probably because you think it makes you look more attractive. And you know what? It might actually make your face look a little better squished up like that. I get it. But it also makes you look kind of like a moron for making a face that you’d never make in any real life setting for your pictures.

8. Don’t share or post pictures of pretty engagement rings you like.

fbRings

We all get the hint, but none of us are going to propose to you. (Bonus: if your age still has “teen” at the end of it, this is a double-don’t.) Seriously though, if you’re trying to tell your boyfriend something by posting these, try doing it without spamming our newsfeed.

9. Don’t make a profile for your baby or your pet. 

Dogs-on-facebook-e1306361336643

They don’t know whether they have it or not- but we do.. and I don’t think anyone should enable that further by lying to you about how funny it is. Truth: We don’t think your cute-sy updates about the new organic puppy food or kicking mommy’s belly is cute at all. It’s actually kind of weird. You’re creating a personality for them? …Why would you do that?

10. Don’t post a status or photo that implies Jesus saw you look at it and not share it, therefore you should feel guilty.

godsawyoujesussaid

Get. Real. Jesus will not be mad or sad or disappointed that you didn’t post something on your Facebook. Don’t be a mindless follower… you’re driving us nuts.

11. Don’t make a status directed at one person. (Ex: “Baby, I love you”, “You know who you are..”, “Some people need to learn to..”) 

oneperson

This falls under the categories of ambiguity, gushing, and/or airing dirty laundry. Please refer back to the appropriate category and cease the behavior.

12. Don’t network your job or business on your personal profile. 

workbook

You’re spamming your friends with your job, and we’re not interested in how many new phones you have in stock, their new deals, or what your carrier’s new plan is. If you want to network your job, create a new profile or group and add/follow everyone you want. Even strangers! This is how businesses network.  Not only are you doing a terrible job at networking whatever it is we’re supposed to be interested in, you’re actually just annoying all of your old friends who want to hear about you and your life, not a sales pitch.

13. Don’t be a Facebook-Evangelist. 

FBevangelist

Your religion, your faith, your spirituality.. they’re great. You want to share about it? That’s great too. Similar to posts all about your relationship, your job, or your drama, over-posting about ANY topic is sure to seem over-zealous and eventually, boring or annoying. I’m sure there’s more to you and your life than than that one thing. And since we’re your friends, we’d love to hear about it all! Even your faith! Just not ONLY your faith, okay?

Now, a lot of people claim that it’s their Facebook, it’s their Twitter, etc, so they can do whatever they want with it- whether you like it or not. This claim is entirely true. They also say that if you’re going to be their friend, you should accept them however they are. This claim is… pretty much true too. I don’t have time to argue with that statement, as this is my wrap-up portion of the post. In any case- to those people who like to make the aforementioned claims, I will apologize and let you all know that unfortunately, you while DO have the freedom of expression, you do not have the freedom from others’ judgments.

Obviously, none of us have freedom from the judgments of others. That does not mean, however, that we can’t occasionally cut down on our annoying-ness. We probably should. (And you, who do one or more of these 13 “Don’t”s, definitely should.)

A huge thanks, from your followers and friends. 🙂

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3 thoughts on “You Suck At Facebook… (13 Things To NEVER Do On A Social-Networking Site)

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